The Spirit of Fear

I must say that during my journey to come to know and love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ more, I have also come to know the enemy quite well. I can feel when his venom attempts to tip toe into my heart and attach itself to my soul. It is during those moments, like most,  that I find great comfort in prayer.

Sometimes Satan uses people to get to me. He knows in spite of my growth as a Christian, I am still human and imperfect. He knows my weaknesses. He knows just how to push my buttons and he often uses people who still so readily fall victim to my amazing temper. Yep, that’s right. It’s still a journey, even for me.

In fact, he knows me so well that he often uses his most deadly weapon against me ; fear and mine is irrational and all consuming. There are some who are afraid of spiders, or heights. Others who fear the dark or needles. All of us fear something. I’ve been one who has feared it all. I have an incredible tolerance for physical pain. I gave birth to my child , completely natural. ( yes Destiny is a mother)

There was pain but it was not something I never wanted to experience again or something to use against my child. It was actually fine. I’ve been stabbed before, had bruised ribs and fractured bones. I did quite well.  Physical pain I can tolerate. In fact there was a point in my life when I welcomed it as an escape from emotional turmoil. ( more on that later cause ya’ll ain’t even ready yet!) Emotional pain is what I cannot stomach. It is my great fear and it is massive.

Not so long ago, I had complete and irrational fears of death and destruction of my family.  My family is more important to me than anything else save for my love of Christ.  I know and understand that death to all is certain and promised. And still I’ve spent so many nights lying awake worried about the things that could possibly happen to me and other members of my family. Even when we were all Blessed with a reasonable portion of our health and strength, my mind was never far away from the next disaster that I felt was around the corner, just waiting. Shows like Dateline NBC and it’s special report on the disease of the month, would send me racing off to the bathroom alone and in tears, gripped in fear of what could be and what could happen and what would we do when it did.

Becoming a mother multiplied my fears to an astronomical degree. For the first time in my life, there was this whole life that I was completely responsible for and in love with. And what , just what would happen to it if I could not be around to raise it .  I kept my child so close to me, and still do, that others saw me as overprotective and obsessive. I was really just being plain , simple, scared me. Afraid that my happiness and dream fulfilled could not possibly last and something or someone was sure to come and take my baby away. Be it her father, who was always by my side and is now a perfect husband if ever there was one, or death itself. 

My child slept beside and between us every night. I only allowed it to ride with certain people and a babysitter was officially a no- no.  I could at one time count on one finger the times I had been “out” since becoming a mother. It was entirely because I  was afraid. Afraid at what “could” happen to my child. The same fear that made me call my husband at least five times in the half hour it took him to drive home from work, just to make sure he wasn’t sprawled out on the interstate, victim to some tragic accident.

Even as I knew these things about myself, Satan knew them even better. You see just as Christ knows us, he does too. Satan uses the spirit of fear to invade even your happiest moments. In fact, it was often when I was surrounded by my family at holiday gatherings and such, that I found my thoughts drifting back to that fearful place that said “we are too happy and having too much fun. Oh God, what is going to happen to ruin this?”  That’s right I even involved God in that mess as we so often do.

The fact that I’ve learned. Okay, okay. The fact that I’m learning is that God is always there, even to carry us through and out of our mess.  I was raised in the church and came to begin to know the Lord at a very early age and still I fell down. It was among so many other vices of mine , the fear that caused a fall. In fact I believe it was number one. Fear of being alone made me seek out the wrong type of people, especially men, to associate with. Fear of not having enough money, led me to do unscrupulous things.  Fear envelops you like a cloak of melancholy and discord. It’s unsettling and clouds your judgement. It distracts you from love and faith in Christ. I don’t even see it as an emotion or feeling. For me, it was a state of being. I thank God, I don’t have to be there another day.  Having spent much of my life living in fear and trepidation from just simple , everyday tasks; dropping my child off at daycare knowing she’s going on a field trip when alas someone else, and professionally trained, will be driving her or going to Wal- Mart, when there could be a mass murderer on the loose, I can honestly say I could write the book on fear. Instead I choose to write to you on the book of life.

It was nothing but the Holy Bible, God’s direct words to us that began to deliver me from that haze I called a life. I began to meditate on his word and also realize that I am in control of nothing as God is in control of it all. What is the worst thing that could happen? I mean yes, I could and have lost members of my immediate family. And I made it. It hurt then and hurts now, but I made it. God’s Grace and Mercy brought me through and I know it will bring me through anything. God did not give his people the spirit of fear. Why should we be discouraged and why should the shadows come? Words from a song that we all know. Why fear anything when God is in control of everything? If our trust and faith lie in him, then everything that is done is done well indeed. Even the accidents on the interstate, even the diagnoses of cancer and other devastating illnesses that will come. Let them come and let God stay. Keep him in your heart and his words in your mind. He is with us always. That is one of his promises and he keeps them all.

I get up in the morning these days with a new song on my lips. I look forward in faith to each new day of every passing year. Trouble and tragedy will come and go and one day so will I and each of mine. Of course I still fear that time. In all of my beauty and glory , I am still human. :)   But now I face the fear with my weapons of praise, love and faith. And I know that come what may, I will go on as long as the Lord intends for me to. I am forever changed by some of the tragedies that have befallen me. I am most changed by the faith and the testimony that is coming after the pain. Into every life a little trouble must come. Even Jesus had to bear his cross and he too had moments of fear.  He knew his destiny as we all do, we simply do not know the day nor the hour as he did. He held on as I do to his faith in the Father. Hold on with me Lord! Help me day by day! Satan get behind me while I run this race!

 

Much Love Always,